As any parent knows, one of the immense joys (and horrifying lows) of raising children is to hear what their, uh, sweet little mouths produce. After all, out of the mouths of babes and infants come the fragrant aroma of godward praise. And in moments that make you cringe and giggle at the same time—of course trying to hide any hint of glee from your kids, like employing the oh-so-effective tactic of laughing behind our hand—you realize those same little mouths are capable of many things not typically classified as “edifying.” But it is generally funny and insightful, so here we go with stuff kids say.
Some days I think, ‘If I have to hear one more adjective or verb used that references poop, pee, pee-pee’s, toot-toot’s or stinky something’s, I’m going to run away.’ What a little boy’s fascination is with bodily discharge and private parts, I have no idea. It seems to be a universal trait.
So there we were in our family room, enjoying a nice moment, when my three-year-old looked into mommy’s eyes with that affectionate stare and said, “Mommy, can I pee on you?” Toddlericus pottimouthicus has got to be the only species on the planet for which peeing on something is a sign of affection. I don’t really get that one.
And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all the times I’ve turned around in a park, next to a playground, outside church, in a parking lot, anywhere in public to see one of my boys indiscreetly drop his drawers and water something down. I don’t know why, maybe it’s a male thing, but I feel a little too proud about this ritual. I inevitably say to myself as I watch, ‘That’s my boy,’ and then utter, if only for the sake of witnesses, ‘Oh, son, don’t do that.’ Nobody buys the fake scold, though, as even the onlookers giggle and smile.
Boys, the toilet is in the bathroom. What happens in there, stays in there.