The Day the Beard Died: An Ode to Chuck Norris’ Beard

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I don’t know why, but one of the most common bad dreams people have is of themselves falling. Just before they hit the ground, they wake up in a cold sweat, glad the terror-filled illusion is over and reality is much less gravitationally charged.

My worst dreams are similar—waking up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and trying to erase the panic that slowly subsides only after a few moments sitting up in bed hoping my wife doesn’t notice. But it’s the content that’s different for me.

I have this recurring nightmare, not that I’m falling, but that I wake up with a cleanly shaven face. I suppose it’s kind of like the dream where you show up to high school without clothes on, only it’s my face that’s naked, so it’s 100 times worse. In my dream I keep touching my face, wondering what happened as I stare endlessly in the mirror, full of shame.

I go to work and have to explain the horror to my colleagues, who are disgraced by my return to feeble boyishness. It’s like I’m the woman with the scarlet letter digging into my soul with the weight of guilt and societal condemnation, except my scarlet letter is a bare face. Finally, after my pulse reaches 180 beats per minute and I’ve lost a pint of knee sweat, I awake in terror.

What a horrible, horrible nightmare it would be to wake up without your beard, like awaking without your legs or an arm. It’s like the humiliation of a freshly shorn Samson, multiplied by the death of John Wayne in The Shootist, to the power of a Shakespearean tragedy like Romeo & Juliet. You do the math—it’s not good.

Which is why I almost cried the day I read Chuck Norris willingly shaved off his beard. I immediately thought to myself, “It was that woman that God gave him! Some Delilah done cut his beard off in his sleep!” I’m pretty sure this changes the world, and I can prove why.

1. The faces of all in the world could melt.
But seriously. Hear me out. We all saw Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, right? Well, what was it in the ark that made everyone’s faces melt when the lid was taken off? It was Chuck Norris without a beard. Not so funny anymore, is it. The Zombie Apocalypse has got nothin’ on a beardless Chuck. There’s not gonna be anything left for those mindless green freaks to eat because your face will already be gone. For the love of everyone with a face who doesn’t want it melted off, Chuck, please, at least put one of those knit beard hats on. The zombies know Chuck without a beard is death, and they shudder.

Also, though it is not commonly known, when the Lord smoted Sodom and Gomorrah, he did so by rolling back the beard on Chuck Norris’ face. Fire and brimstone poured forth, and all were smoted to the point of being completely smoten, and there you go. Don’t unleash the naked face of Chuck.

2. The men and women of our Armed Forces are in grave danger.
It should be obvious that without military-grade Kevlar vests and body armor, countless soldiers would be added to the list of casualties each year from armed conflict around the world. What you probably don’t know is the military has one main supplier of the Kevlar for their vests—Chuck Norris’ beard hairs. It’s a fact. Sharper than a diamond, tougher than 12 inches of steel and able to stop a .50 cal round dead in its tracks, Chuck Norris’ beard hair is a priceless, life-saving commodity.

3. The congressional balance could be thrown off.
A little known fact is that congress is heavily influenced by Chuck Norris’ beard. How, you ask? Because Chuck Norris’ beard actually has its own two Senators (as well as seven of its own zip codes, currently unlisted). They have top-level security clearance, report to no one and are completely anonymous. The last time someone questioned them, they were tortured with water boarding, sleep deprivation and were forced to watch every episode of the Chinese version of American Idol. They eventually asked for death by a roundhouse kick to the head.

In order to save our faces, protect our troops and restore balance to congress (cough, cough), I hereby officially plead with Chuck to regrow the burning bush on your face, that sweet Seraphim of fur that keeps us from melting at the sight of your bare glory.

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